So there was this article, “Secondhand Blues,” in the October issue of Psychology Today about how socially contagious depression is among friends, acquaintances and family. Of course, since it’s psychology, it’s your parents’ faults. It’s always your parents.
But seriously, it intrigued me enough to summarize and write about it. It spoke about how parents, depressed ones especially, embed these attitudes into their children. The example given was when children ask, “Why?” This seemingly insignificant question has such staying and shaping power when asked many times a day throughout years of childhood.
It’s more than just “Why?” It’s also “How should I feel about this?” and “How do I cope?” or “What should I expect and how should I react in the future?” With that in mind, if a child asks why his favorite uncle isn’t coming to his birthday party, the child is obviously upset and wants to know if the hurt feelings he has is justified. Moreover, this is the time when he learns how to get over being upset, and how to deal with future similar situations. Therefore, it is much, much better to say “Maybe an emergency came up,” rather than “Maybe he’s mad at us.”
Similarly, say a child gets a bad grade and his depressed parent tells him he probably isn’t smart enough. Without ever mentioning that he should try harder next time or work on it. Take that and multiply over five or seven years and you got yourself a kid who doesn’t believe in himself, or his ability to change outcomes! So yes, this bleek, helpless, low self-esteem worldview eventually kicks in.
Depressed folk have a hard time getting past problems. They tend to be more negative, overreact, reclusive and just downright irrational sometimes. And worse, it can be very contagious. Certainly doesn’t help that they get offended easily and take any form of criticism, good or bad, in a negative or personal way. Case in point, when a friend tries to help someone who is depressed by letting him know that the world isn’t so bad and that he should perhaps join the gym. That depressed person might take offense to this and think the friend is being judgmental.
He’ll then somehow manipulate that into a very gloomy picture of the world, about how people expect things, or how disappointing they can be, and how little they understand him, and finally conclude that there is no reason to try. Yes, it’s outlandish thought process, but that’s how it usually goes. And when these exchanges happen more and more, the not-so-depressed friend starts feeling a little down himself. He eventually stops trying to help his depressed friend because he just won’t budge.
This in turn leads the depressed friend to think he was right about the world and about people. Which in turn leads to more social isolation and more depression.
So what’s the remedy?
According to the article, more social contact. It’s always great to have a positive person(s) on your life. People who no matter how bad a situation gets, recognizes the severity or triviality (or for me, the absurdity) of the problem, pick a healthy way to cope with it and moves on.
Personally, I’ll keep believing that trying something that ultimately fails is better than not trying at all because you were too afraid.
So my advice is if you have a depressed friend or family member, please stay positive. I know it can get frustrating, but it’s best not to fall into their holes. Keep reminding them that there are solutions to problems, and that they’re rarely ever going to be perfect.
But also, as the article smartly points out, mental health is something that everybody has to maintain, much like a checking account! You can’t simply make one deposit and be set for life. It’s an ongoing thing, staying mentally and emotionally stable. Things will get you down and things will cheer you up, but it’s your job to cope and sort it all out. Remember to talk to friends or family about it.
In any case, that’s my two cents about it.
